“A Minecraft Movie” Will Fry Your Last Brain Cells

While based on the world-renowned video game, A Minecraft Movie displays none of the creativity of its source material.

Summary

Four people discover a portal to a mysterious alternative world where everything is made of cubes. They will have to stick together and use their imagination to master this wild land, assisted by the expertise of Steve.

An Expensive Pile of Trash

What can I even say about this project that has not been said already? In spite of being based on a game that relies on players’ creativity, A Minecraft Movie is the most generic and boring piece of trash I have seen in a while.

The film does not have a real plot, so it is reduced to characters discovering the world of Minecraft by accident and living random adventures there to “save the world” from a cartoon villain. The story is connected by continuous references to the game, as well as to some internet personalities from the Minecraft community and ridiculous action scenes that make no sense. I can enjoy a bad movie now and then (I have a soft spot for Sony’s terrible superhero universe, after all), but this one is just too loud and stupid to amuse me. 

The characters are too superficial, even for today’s standards: Natalie and Henry are two young siblings that have recently lost their mother. Natalie is worried about her nerdy brother, and being the eldest, she feels responsible for his well being. These two kids might as well be strangers, because none of that is ever explored or developed further.

Am I Supposed to Laugh?

I could imagine nothing less funny than watching either Jack Black or Jason Momoa in a movie, and getting both of them in the same project was very unappealing to me. As usual, these actors play themselves, that is, two clowns. Black is Steve, a random man who finds a portal to the Minecraft world, and Momoa is Garrett, a former video game champion and owner of a failing store.

Then there is Dawn, a real estate agent that ends up following the siblings around, and Jennifer Coolidge playing the school headmistress, whose character’s storyline works as a lame filler.

Though some animated characters are somehow charming, the CGI is not all that great, and it does not merge well with the real actors, creating a very awkward spectacle. More than honoring the game, it seems to be making fun of it.

The Chicken Jockey Controversy

With the release of A Minecraft Movie, a series of new trends have surged online. They mostly consist of a loud cheering on certain parts of the movie, including throwing popcorn and drinks out on the air and jumping over the seats. Someone even had the brilliant idea of bringing a real chicken into a theater. Of course, the gist is to record everything and post it on social media to get attention. The situation sometimes escalated to the point that police had to be called, and theaters got signs letting people know that any disturbers would be expelled from the place.

As a former movie theater worker, I think the disregard displayed by customers, the state of disaster in which they leave the place, cannot be overlooked. People can’t even be bothered to take out their own unfinished food and drinks and place them in the trash cans that are just out the door! And I’m speaking about something that was already happening on a daily basis. By participating in this kind of nonsense, you are not just wasting food, but also making the employees’ lives harder.

Bring Back Theatre Etiquette

As a customer, I also notice the increasing lack of theater etiquette, especially after the lockdowns. Some people seemed to have forgotten how to be in public. Part of the fun of watching a film in theaters is to enjoy it with other people, to experience the journey in company. But this past year I started to purposely avoid the days and times of higher attendance because people are rude and annoying. They speak aloud during the film, use their cellphones with a bright screen, and even take children that are too young to be there. I can overlook it if it is an animated movie or something child-oriented, but that is not always the case.

Last year, I got tickets to watch the 1978 Superman film, and a couple before me had decided to take their four-year-old daughter with them. To make it worse, we were watching a version with subtitles, so not only was the movie not age-appropriate, but the kid could not even understand the language, and her father was explaining the plot to her out loud. She threw popcorn around and screamed for a while, until her mother let her watch a video on her cellphone. They left before the ending, but late enough to ruin the experience for all the other customers.

Like that, I can recall many other times in which my movie was ruined by inconsiderate people, even though I had paid an expensive ticket to enjoy it in peace, with the best possible quality.

People who can’t be quiet for two hours should wait for movies to be available on streaming and stop inconveniencing the ones who are really interested. Social media is currently not only normalizing this kind of shameful behavior, but also praising it.

Box Office Success

In spite of my disdain for everything related to this project, it must be said that it is being a complete success. Aside from attracting a large amount of the giant Minecraft game community, the film was appealing to dumb TikTokers as well as kids. We have to remember that there are not a lot of movie options for families at the moment, after Snow White’s disaster.

So, two weekends after its release, A Minecraft Movie has made an insane sum of almost $560.000.000 worldwide. With a reported budget of $150.000.000, Warner will have something to cheer about while they pray for James Gunn’s Superman to not flop in July.

An Extension of Social Media

The main issue is that Minecraft is not a film; it is simply content. A product that survives by referencing others of much better quality and taking advantage of internet trends. And that supports itself in people’s deteriorating attention spans. What is the difference between watching A Minecraft Movie and two hours of TikTok scrolling? It’s basically the same thing.

As always, there are people who will argue that the film was made for kids. And as always, my answer to that will be that kids also deserve good films. Some will also argue that “at least it’s not woke”. True, but that does not justify creating garbage. Bad movies have always existed, and at times, they can be quite funny to pass the time. But is this going to be everything that entertainment has to offer this decade? Is this going to be the movie 2025 will be remembered for? It’s depressing.